I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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