Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
