Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
