do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
