Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
