It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
