i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
