Christians are straight up FREAKS
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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