farters have to be the big spoon...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
