I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
