I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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