Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
the condom got lost in my hair
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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