pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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