SEEEEXXX PLEASE
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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