we have pet lesbian snakes
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
