My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
