Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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