You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
