I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
