things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
