I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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