bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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