Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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