she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm passing your future prison.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
