i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
