Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I wish you could order shots online.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
