I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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