They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I am one with the molecules
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
