So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
