If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
