I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
