you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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