I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
