There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
