I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
