What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
