bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
