is your mom at the bar?
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
