My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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