lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize