if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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