Can i not drive my cunt home
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
