why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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