I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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