dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
