my shit smells like andre
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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