Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize