you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize