I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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