Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
