I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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