you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
A+ Viking dick
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
