Can i not drive my cunt home
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize