even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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