You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
