the condom got lost in my hair
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
