Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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