Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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