Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
