I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Randomize
