I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize