Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize