you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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