I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
