Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
